In the midst of the busyness, overwhelming emotions and restlessness of the past few months, I have not spent enough time with God. Somewhere along the way, I put certain expectations on myself in my relationship with Christ and in my mind, I was not meeting them. The longer I went not meeting these 'expectations', the more guilty I felt. The heavier the guilt, the more embarrassed and unworthy I felt to talk to God and ask Him to help me with my current circumstances. I know that these feelings of guilt and unworthiness are completely manufactured by myself with some assistance from the devil, but I have this problem with connecting what my head knows to what my hearts feels. I like to call this the head-to-heart disconnect. It happens more often than I would like but less often than it used to...which is nice.
But you know what is amazing about God? He is so much bigger than all of this. He is bigger than the busyness of daily routines, the distractions that I allow to consume my thoughts, the flashbacks of a heart wrenching time, the worldly guilt, and the circumstances that arise. And not only is He bigger than all of this, He is there for ALL of it.
I have experienced God in many tangible, divine ways over this past year, so to not have those moments or 'feelings' for awhile (being two months, which really is not that long) was discouraging to me and causing me to feel restless and distant from God. But a few weeks ago, in His beautiful and wonderful ways, He reminded me just how close He is. It was one of those moments where I could feel Him in the room. I knew that he was there. I could actually picture Him sitting beside me. Holding my hand. Telling me that it is okay. He's not mad at me for not spending as much time with Him as I (and He) would like. He loves me and his heart hurts because mine does. He wasn't telling me a bunch of stuff to make me feel better. He was just being there with me. Even though I was in tears and my heart was aching, there was something so divinely comforting about that moment. I left where I was that night feeling a sense of peace and ease that I had been yearning for that can only truly come from my Heavenly Father. I am so unbelievably thankful for moments like these. And I continue to be blown away by a God that is sovereign over this huge, crazy world we live, yet He is still able to have such personal and unique relationships with His children. That is something beautiful.