Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Broken

I am a broken person. I always have been, but it took me a long time to figure it out and admit it. For a good portion of my high school to college to graduate school life, I tried to live a life that looked pretty great from the outside. I tried to come across as a person who had it all together. Once I figured out how broken I am though, it became surprisingly easy to admit. However, I didn't really need to admit it because it was written all over my face, body language, words and demeanor. Not too long ago, I was a shell of a person. I was drowning and the only thing keeping my head above water was Jesus holding onto my hand, telling me that He will pull me out of the water. I was left with no other option but to turn to the Lord. I had a distinct moment of conviction when I finally realized that I NEED God, I can't do life on my own. It was actually a very simple decision for me to make. I was not angry at God for the circumstances in my life, I was actually embarrassed that it took such an extreme downfall for me to finally give my life back to Him.

While I am no longer in such a desperate state, I know I am still broken. But the great thing is that as broken as I may be, I am broken for the Lord and in that, I am more whole than I have ever been. My desire and prayer is that the Lord takes all of my broken pieces and puts them back together so that I finally become the woman of God that he intended me to be all along. That he molds me into His image. I am reading a book by Michael Catt called, 'The Power of Desperation - Breakthroughs in our Brokenness.' I know it sounds pretty bleak, but this book has been such a blessing to me over this past month and actually provides really great insights into brokenness and how God uses these times in our lives to draw us closer to Him (I totally recommend this book, even if you aren't going through really difficult times).

In one of the sections of this book, Catt refers to Jeremiah 18:6 - "O Israel, can I not do to you as the potter as done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand." I think that is a pretty cool analogy. God is the Master Potter and we are His clay. If we let Him, He will mold us into His creation...something beautiful, unique and pleasing Him. This is what I am trying to let the Lord do - mold me.

In that same chapter of the book, Catt gets into the gut wrenching reality of brokenness. He says, "When you talk about brokenness, there is probably no subject or principle in God's Word that is more neglected or misunderstood. As you read the Scriptures, you see men and women of God who were used greatly and as the same time were greatly broken. God often allows setbacks, suffering, and times when we are crushed or broken to reveal to us our desperate need for Him. If we want to be used greatly, we will go through tough times." Catt goes on to quote another author who said, "Usually when something is broken, its value declines or disappears altogether. Broken dishes, broken bottles, broken mirrors are generally scrapped. Even a crack in furniture or a tear in cloth greatly reduces its resale value. But it isn't that way in the spiritual realm. God puts a premium on broken things - especially broken people." I don't know about you, but I actually think that is really exciting and super encouraging. And not to mention totally supported in the Bible.

One of my favourite books of the Bible is James and right at the beginning of James in chapter one verse two to three is says, "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow." And then in Romans 5:3-5 it says, "We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strengths of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."

I am broken. I am facing hardships. My faith is constantly being tested. But that's okay because I know the Lord will never give me more than I can handle, He will always be there to pick me up when I fall and tell me how much He loves me, He has used these hardships to draw me closer to Him and realize how much I need Him, this is all for a greater purpose and part of His perfect plan for my life...and in that, I can totally find joy.


Sunday, September 13, 2009

Father, let my heart be after YOU...

Have you ever heard of the band, Needtobreathe? If you haven't, I highly recommend downloading their stuff! They are my favourite right now. I absolutely love their southern rock/gospel sound and how they weave their love for Christ subtly, but passionately, into their lyrics. Their song 'Garden' from their newest album, 'The Outsiders,' is beautiful in its simplicity and truth and stirs my heart every time I hear it. It's based on the story of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane just before his death on the cross to save us.

Mark 14: 35 & 36 (NLT): He went on a little farther and fell to the ground. He prayed that if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting him might pass him by. "Abba, Father," he cried out, "everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine."

Here are the lyrics.

Garden (by Needtobreathe)

Won’t you take this cup from me
‘Cause fear has stolen all my sleep
If tomorrow means my death
I pray you’ll save their souls with it

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

In this hour of doubt I see
But who I am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

Father let my heart be…
For you

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you
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If you want to hear it, this is a link to a short interview and a video of this song:



Monday, September 7, 2009

Oma Optimism?

My friends like to sometimes call me "Oma Optimism," or "Debbie the Defender"...or "Deb" for short. (I'm being serious...I am not nearly witty enough to make this stuff up). Why do they tag me with these titles? Well, apparently they think I like to look on the bright side of life. Put a positive spin on things, if you will. Honestly, lately, I have no idea what they are talking about. Sure I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and have not typically liked confrontation so when things start to get tense, I will try and see the situation from all sides involved. I try to be a positive person, but over the past eight months, I wouldn't say I have been a shining example of seeing the cup half full. The fact that my friends still tag me with the name, "Oma Optimism" from time to time is actually quite flattering considering what they have had to work with.

Regardless of the state of optimism I may or may not be living in, what I am learning is that optimism does not equal joy. Joy looks very different from optimism. Optimism is looking on the bright side, seeing your cup as half full, being generally upbeat, perhaps even 'sunny.' But joy is a whole other entity. Joy is all those things, but top that with choosing to have a steadfast faith and hope in the Lord in the midst of trials, rejoicing in Him through pain and suffering, and giving thanks to God for hardships because of how they mold and teach us. I have the utmost admiration for people who are able to do this without doubt, hesitation, or questioning. I am striving to be one of those people...day by day...

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Figuring out "Blogging"

I'm just trying to figure out this whole "blogging" thing. Now I know how to post pictures :) I want to try and figure out how to customize the design and layout of my blog more...some people have the coolest looking blogs, but I can't figure that out yet.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

My First Post

I have been inspired to write a blog...for many reasons really, some of which will become more clear as this blog progresses. I have been feeling the urge to write lately, but can't seem to find the time or determination to write something as huge and daunting as a book, but wanted to do something bigger than just my journal, so I thought I would compromise with myself and start with a blog. Although honestly, this is mostly just a glorified journal...typing is just simply faster than hand writing.

So I have been on this incredible journey with the Lord over the past eight months. And when I say "incredible," I don't mean exceedingly happy and overflowing with massive amounts of joy...I more so mean that I have been rocked by the amazing way in which the Lord works. To say this past year of my life has not turned out how I have planned would be an understatement. But, as I have very harshly found out, having my own plans in the first place was my first mistake. I have learned more over these past eight months than I have in my 20 years of schooling combined. It has not been, and continues to not be, an easy road. In fact, it is probably the opposite of easy, so I guess that would be hard. I am on a journey with the Lord. I am seeking to know His plan for my life and how He wants to use me to further His Kingdom so I can follow in behind His footsteps. There are days when I really just wonder, really Lord? Did this really have to happen? I have many moments of frustration and impatience. And my moments of weakness far exceed my moments of strength. But that seems to be where the Lord wants me right now.

As my brilliant friend Ange and I were talking about tonight (which is one of the reasons that inspired this first blog post), when we ask God for clarity and direction, we can't expect everything to be one wonderful thing after another that fits perfectly into the comfortable, happy lives that we would all love to live (I am mostly just speaking on behalf of me and a few friends). I am very quickly learning that as Christians, we are not meant to live in the ultimate comfort zone, we are actually meant to live in the ultimate uncomfortable zone (if that even makes sense). I am discovering that seeking God's will and actually taking the steps to follow Him are often doing things that are so far outside of my comfort zone that it takes me a bit to work up the courage to do it. However, once I do it, the peace that follows is so affirming that I can be confident I did the right thing.

In the midst of this journey though, there has been a great deal of pain and hurts, and often times my immediate reaction is to throw a pity party and invite everyone I know to it. This has never proven to be an effective reaction, but it is the one I have defaulted to for so many years that breaking this trend is proving to be quite the challenge. So that is the inspiration for the name of my blog..."Learning to Choose Joy." I can't tell you how many times over the past few weeks that I have read a devotional, heard a sermon, or been given something to read (thanks Ange and Cass) that talks about choosing joy in the midst of struggles. I finally figured that the Lord is trying to send me a message. Message received. Now how to go about practically "choosing joy," when I don't feel like it or when something crappy happens...I have no idea what that looks like. But I am on a journey to find out and guaranteed there will be some slip-ups and pity parties along the way, but here's hoping (and praying) the scale begins to tip in the favour of "choosing joy" and that becomes my new immediate reaction to whatever life and God throws my way.