Broken

I am a broken person. I always have been, but it took me a long time to figure it out and admit it. For a good portion of my high school to college to graduate school life, I tried to live a life that looked pretty great from the outside. I tried to come across as a person who had it all together. Once I figured out how broken I am though, it became surprisingly easy to admit. However, I didn't really need to admit it because it was written all over my face, body language, words and demeanor. Not too long ago, I was a shell of a person. I was drowning and the only thing keeping my head above water was Jesus holding onto my hand, telling me that He will pull me out of the water. I was left with no other option but to turn to the Lord. I had a distinct moment of conviction when I finally realized that I NEED God, I can't do life on my own. It was actually a very simple decision for me to make. I was not angry at God for the circumstances in my life, I was actually embarrassed that it took such an extreme downfall for me to finally give my life back to Him.

While I am no longer in such a desperate state, I know I am still broken. But the great thing is that as broken as I may be, I am broken for the Lord and in that, I am more whole than I have ever been. My desire and prayer is that the Lord takes all of my broken pieces and puts them back together so that I finally become the woman of God that he intended me to be all along. That he molds me into His image. I am reading a book by Michael Catt called, 'The Power of Desperation - Breakthroughs in our Brokenness.' I know it sounds pretty bleak, but this book has been such a blessing to me over this past month and actually provides really great insights into brokenness and how God uses these times in our lives to draw us closer to Him (I totally recommend this book, even if you aren't going through really difficult times).

In one of the sections of this book, Catt refers to Jeremiah 18:6 - "O Israel, can I not do to you as the potter as done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand." I think that is a pretty cool analogy. God is the Master Potter and we are His clay. If we let Him, He will mold us into His creation...something beautiful, unique and pleasing Him. This is what I am trying to let the Lord do - mold me.

In that same chapter of the book, Catt gets into the gut wrenching reality of brokenness. He says, "When you talk about brokenness, there is probably no subject or principle in God's Word that is more neglected or misunderstood. As you read the Scriptures, you see men and women of God who were used greatly and as the same time were greatly broken. God often allows setbacks, suffering, and times when we are crushed or broken to reveal to us our desperate need for Him. If we want to be used greatly, we will go through tough times." Catt goes on to quote another author who said, "Usually when something is broken, its value declines or disappears altogether. Broken dishes, broken bottles, broken mirrors are generally scrapped. Even a crack in furniture or a tear in cloth greatly reduces its resale value. But it isn't that way in the spiritual realm. God puts a premium on broken things - especially broken people." I don't know about you, but I actually think that is really exciting and super encouraging. And not to mention totally supported in the Bible.

One of my favourite books of the Bible is James and right at the beginning of James in chapter one verse two to three is says, "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow." And then in Romans 5:3-5 it says, "We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strengths of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."

I am broken. I am facing hardships. My faith is constantly being tested. But that's okay because I know the Lord will never give me more than I can handle, He will always be there to pick me up when I fall and tell me how much He loves me, He has used these hardships to draw me closer to Him and realize how much I need Him, this is all for a greater purpose and part of His perfect plan for my life...and in that, I can totally find joy.